Hello Humans,
I mentioned last week that I've had a bit of writer's block and so I asked on Instagram for some ideas and was definitely inspired by a few of them! One of the ideas sent in by an old friend was to talk about my time in an SEN provision and it made me reflect on my time there in a way I never really had.
BTW: SEN means Special Education Needs
So before I talk about my time in SEN, I need to explain how I ended up there in the first place. In primary school, I was the definition of a teacher's pet, overachieving swot. But what the school didn't see was the effort it took to pretend to be perfect every day for six years. At home, I would explode, with days of masking finally taking its toll.
Flashforward to 2015 where I finally learn that I am not insane or broken, but that I have high functioning autism - previously known as Aspergers. I began to really struggle at school a few months after my diagnosis but then after months of fighting and arguing I began to feel more settled and enjoyed the majority of year nine, where I picked my GCSE options and began to make some meaningful friendships for the first time in my life. About a month into year 10 I began to really struggle with school again but this time it felt different as it was more about anxiety and low mood than anything else.
Whilst my academic capability was never in doubt, the constant stress of 11 GCSEs in a pressured environment took its toll on my mental health. In reflection, I loved that school and maybe if some adjustments had been made earlier I would have been able to stay in mainstream. But I was so broken and emotionally exhausted that I was unable to really do anything.
I spent months without leaving the house or even really my bedroom, but slowly day by day I began to recover and reclaim a little bit of myself. I started going out to appointments and even met a tutor a couple of times a week, whilst my parents were battling for an EHCP which would allow me to go to a specialist provision. If I'm honest, I did very little 'work' in the tutor sessions, but it taught me a lot of things and helped bridge the gap that had developed between me and education.
And then in April 2018, I started a new school - a local specialist provision I had never heard of, and whilst it felt terrifying to start with, that was the place where I made friends who feel like family and rediscovered my love for performing, as well as getting my GCSEs there!
I'd had preconceptions about a special school, but truthfully it just became a school for me and whilst people questioned what I actually did all day, I'd argue the days spent going on walks or rehearsing for performances were as important as a maths lesson (sorry dad).
Once I decided on splitting my GCSEs across two years, I then knew I wanted to go onto further education and get my A-levels and set my mind to doing all I could to get there.
I won't lie, going back to mainstream three years later was daunting and still now part of me questions whether I'm really capable of getting my A-levels and going to university in September 2022. I do love the challenge of my subject and having people to debate within classes, but it's hard to not miss the environment of the specialist provision, especially as Covid took away some of my final months there.
I remember the week before I went to the SEN school, someone asked me what my goal was and I said, "To get my GCSEs by the time I'm 18" and now here I am 18, with seven decent GCSEs, a few months into my A-levels.
I'm really pleased to be able to tell 15-year-old Etta that she does it, not without struggle and heartbreak, but despite it all she does it. Education was always important to my dad and even though I'd hate to admit it, I recognise the importance of it and so I hope I'm doing him proud.
See you next time,
E